Can you hear that? My heart

Life is slow. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s still. Sometimes you look back and see so much of it has passed in a split second.  When you walk by the road, when you see the gulmohar leaves and yellow light peeking through them. On the traffic lights, or in the arms of three balcony walls, when it’s all so damn still, life passes by. Did you see it just passed by. Did you see the passing by light… did you hear the hush of speed. did you hear the bubbles of turbulence.

Did you hear the calm. did you hear the hum of stagnant. Can you hear that…?

Life skips a beat sometimes. Sometimes it collects an extra one. Steals a moment, selfishly. That moment… the ‘not destined for you’ one. It steals beauty where is finds. It steals love sometimes. Sometimes it gives it all away so generously. Sometimes giving is not generous. It’s selfish. It’s needed sometimes. Craved for. Like a heartbeat. My heartbeat. The only connection to the wild stretch of space.

The only hold… only grip of life. Loosening. Draining. Dizzy. Drowsy. Dampened. My life. My heart…

Life waits sometimes. sometimes it rushes off. It opens itself sometimes. It moves. It travels. A dull but constant journey. You can’t even see when it leaves you behind. like sands between the fingers… it runs off… off the fingers. Off the limits. and other times, it waits. For something. It closes itself to open some time. It holds itself hard and it waits. Keeps waiting. Still. Numb. With a thin wire like breathe.

It’s waiting. It’s still waiting there for you to open…

Sadness… How do you find me dear?

I am not having a discussion here… I am not sharing a thought… I am not explaining a logic… I am not solving a problem… I am not in a condition to…

I am asking a question… to you… sadness… how do you find me? So consistent! Without a fail! So efficient! How do you find me? Why are you following me? I don’t hate you… no I don’t… you are a part of life.. And a very important one… without you happiness is meaningless to me… I get all of that… but why so much?

I try to avoid… I try to overlook… I try to find a way out… I try to ignore the little hurts in the way and move on… I try so damn hard not to be sad… I bet my life to figure out smiles… I trade so carefully… every word… every letter… every breath… but why do I fail? So often? Every single time… every single step! I try to be happy at any cost… guilt surrounds me… I try to make people happy at my cost… heartbreaks surround me… I try to fight against the fate… failures surrounds me… and when I surrender it all to you and stand deserted yet smiling in anticipation of dreams… hopes ditch me… all your forms… all your faces… all on your side… none on mine. Nothing on my side.

Sometimes I tend to believe that even happiness is on your side… it dumps me to flirt with you… it stands by your side… enchanting like a mirage… and stupid and selfish I run for it… to fall for you. But amazing it is… how you… with all the powers in your hands… with flirtatiously beautiful success by your side… with  fates at your feet… await on me… looking awkwardly… ugly and dump… with pain of refusal in your eyes… you still wait on me…

Why do you wait on me? Why you can’t stand me not being with you? Why, when the whole world leaves me alone… you don’t? why you are so much inside me? Why can’t I just run away from you? For once! Can you just be by yourself? Please! I have tried everything… I have tried every single place… how do keep finding me?

You love me… don’t know? Will you do me this one favor… please! For once… will you please find me a place where you can’t find me? Will you please let me run away from you dear… please!!!

I try… I quit… I loop.

I am waiting for the 60th second to tick… I know that the doorbell won’t ring since the 59th second… In fact I know it from 58, 57, 56th seconds… But I still wait. Against all odds… all logics… all rationales… all thoughts and theories and rules I wait for something to end… Something to occur… Clock to tick… Tick a whole number before I give up… And then to tick a few more numbers… And then to tick a few more…

Why is it so natural to keep waiting…to keep lingering to an old habit… to keep living an old life… so easy to keep on going… and so difficult to stop. So difficult to stop looking at the ticking clock and lock the door… So difficult to stop trying to listen for the phone ringing from under the sheets and go to sleep… so difficult to stop yourself from checking the old mailbox hundredth time…  So difficult to stop hoping for miracles that would not be. There is no door bell, there is no phone ringing, no miracles what so ever. Oh but I am waiting.

I read in books about keep trying… keep playing one’s part…  about hanging in there. Is that not what I am doing? Is to keep looping back again and again and then again not persistence… is stopping not giving up? Stories I believe in talk of retrying… of not losing hope… of not giving up… but for how long? Forever? None answer that. I can do that – keep waiting. I am comfortable doing that. But is that the right thing to do? Was to keep waiting the preached sermon? Was it not?

What is better? Facing it in face and keep facing till you break and wretch and mess it up… and continue facing post that too… or leave it before it sores?  What is better? Ditching the possibility of it’s being right some day… leaving it for the fear of failure or fighting for it with whole of your heart? Huh! Sounds different… doesn’t it? Change the tone… change the choice of words and it just flips the meaning! Did they know? Those who preached  persistence and those who preached letting go… did they know? Or they just knew that nobody else knows too?

Have you ever felt the pressure of blood released through your heart at the very second you decided to let go? The suddenness of release? And ever, have you felt the pressure of blood running in your veins after the very last wait when you decided to try once more? The consistency of determination!

I have felt the two. Connected with none. Kept doing both… Is there a third way? Is there a way to not try desperately and yet not give up? Is there a way to wait but not be miserable? Is there a way to give up and not be a quitter?

You cannot give up on something that you believe in… stop believing… that is quitting. You can not stop being desperate till you stop looking at the clock… to stop looking at the clock… you have to kill the wait that makes you alive. You can not let go of a dream that you know deep in your heart you deserve… you stop only when kill the faith. Kill the faith and there is no you any more.

I try, I wait, I fail, I cry, I quit… and… I loop back… with a new wait or the same old one. Because I am still living.

Dance of crippled thoughts

Oh they dance! And they don’t let me think with any clarity.  They can’t stand. They can’t walk a foot on their own… But dance they do… wild in my head.

I try to think simple… And they come limping… as fast as they can… falling on each other… stringing into one another… hundreds of threads… making the world complex… ugly, limping dumb thoughts.

I want to walk straight… I want to not look around and feel fragile… I want to commit to my life… I want to live with an unfailing faith. His idol charms me to fold my fingers… to bend my head… to have the long lost faith. I stand still in a hope for some calm… some connection and a little of His voice. And all I hear is my heart wandering asking for creepy wishes, chances n’ choices. With surprises and miracles He only loses more of my faith in His being true. Feelings I felt and thoughts I thought only changed meanings as the time flew. And I was left juggling with life… not knowing what to hold or what to lose.

There are so many strings… so many threads… so many stories… which one to pick. There are a thousand of roads… which one will lead to you. So many chords to touch… so many words to say… so many meanings to draw… so many emotions to fake… so many creaking thoughts to dance with…

I erase them hard. I unwelcome them disgraceful and stern. I don’t think of them for days. I make them starve… make them run out of room to survive. I kill them to whole. And I sit back smiling with an empty mind. The world looks beautiful.  They are left behind. And all is good. I walk straight and I don’t look around. Lonely and silent and peaceful… here I stand looking into nothingness…

But I want to look back. Oh… I can’t stop willing to look back for one second. I miss them. The multithreaded complex cabalistic stories…  I am craving for them… Starving without them… I want them…so much. I want them each moment till they are not back limping and dancing in my head…  ugly, creaky, crippled thoughts!!