Can you hear that? My heart

Life is slow. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s still. Sometimes you look back and see so much of it has passed in a split second.  When you walk by the road, when you see the gulmohar leaves and yellow light peeking through them. On the traffic lights, or in the arms of three balcony walls, when it’s all so damn still, life passes by. Did you see it just passed by. Did you see the passing by light… did you hear the hush of speed. did you hear the bubbles of turbulence.

Did you hear the calm. did you hear the hum of stagnant. Can you hear that…?

Life skips a beat sometimes. Sometimes it collects an extra one. Steals a moment, selfishly. That moment… the ‘not destined for you’ one. It steals beauty where is finds. It steals love sometimes. Sometimes it gives it all away so generously. Sometimes giving is not generous. It’s selfish. It’s needed sometimes. Craved for. Like a heartbeat. My heartbeat. The only connection to the wild stretch of space.

The only hold… only grip of life. Loosening. Draining. Dizzy. Drowsy. Dampened. My life. My heart…

Life waits sometimes. sometimes it rushes off. It opens itself sometimes. It moves. It travels. A dull but constant journey. You can’t even see when it leaves you behind. like sands between the fingers… it runs off… off the fingers. Off the limits. and other times, it waits. For something. It closes itself to open some time. It holds itself hard and it waits. Keeps waiting. Still. Numb. With a thin wire like breathe.

It’s waiting. It’s still waiting there for you to open…

Let’s play a game…

Let’s play this game… Oh let’s play this game too…

 

You decide the rules, you just say it and I’ll play. For I once promised I’ll play along… against you and yet by your side and for that’s all I wanna do. For you are all the smiles and you are all the wins… for you are all the tears and all the defeats too. For it’s just you and me. Let’s play this game together.

 

Let’s have you play foul left n’ right n’ center and I’ll still play. Let’s play it your way… Let’s have you winning all the time… and I’ll still play. Let’s have you defeat me times and again… oh let’s have you defeat me without a match and I’ll still play. Let me surrender… times and again… and yet again I’ll play.

 

I’ll play along. I’ll play how you like. You want me to stand by your side… I’ll do. You want me to cheer you winning over me.. I’ll do. You want me to be you… ah I will. You want there be no two sides and still your side to win… I’ll make that happen. Crazy wishes aren’t they… for you I’ll make them true.

 

Come… let’s play this game too…

Sadness… How do you find me dear?

I am not having a discussion here… I am not sharing a thought… I am not explaining a logic… I am not solving a problem… I am not in a condition to…

I am asking a question… to you… sadness… how do you find me? So consistent! Without a fail! So efficient! How do you find me? Why are you following me? I don’t hate you… no I don’t… you are a part of life.. And a very important one… without you happiness is meaningless to me… I get all of that… but why so much?

I try to avoid… I try to overlook… I try to find a way out… I try to ignore the little hurts in the way and move on… I try so damn hard not to be sad… I bet my life to figure out smiles… I trade so carefully… every word… every letter… every breath… but why do I fail? So often? Every single time… every single step! I try to be happy at any cost… guilt surrounds me… I try to make people happy at my cost… heartbreaks surround me… I try to fight against the fate… failures surrounds me… and when I surrender it all to you and stand deserted yet smiling in anticipation of dreams… hopes ditch me… all your forms… all your faces… all on your side… none on mine. Nothing on my side.

Sometimes I tend to believe that even happiness is on your side… it dumps me to flirt with you… it stands by your side… enchanting like a mirage… and stupid and selfish I run for it… to fall for you. But amazing it is… how you… with all the powers in your hands… with flirtatiously beautiful success by your side… with  fates at your feet… await on me… looking awkwardly… ugly and dump… with pain of refusal in your eyes… you still wait on me…

Why do you wait on me? Why you can’t stand me not being with you? Why, when the whole world leaves me alone… you don’t? why you are so much inside me? Why can’t I just run away from you? For once! Can you just be by yourself? Please! I have tried everything… I have tried every single place… how do keep finding me?

You love me… don’t know? Will you do me this one favor… please! For once… will you please find me a place where you can’t find me? Will you please let me run away from you dear… please!!!

So… that was your best shot?

Not good enough dear! Just not good enough.

Your lessons have never been hard enough to stop me from making mistakes. Nor have your apologies been strong enough to make me numb. But all these times I thought you have your best weapons yet hidden in darks of some out of world caves. All these times I believed you could, you just don’t.

But today I think you can’t, today I think, you are not capable of wanting to hurt me. Today I think I have more of everything than you. I have courage more devilish than yours, I have love more feverish than yours, I have edges sharper than yours, I have promises way harder than yours, I have insanity way blind than yours, I have limits that you cannot push me off, I have wounds that you can’t heal, and faiths that you can’t break, secrets that you can’t laugh off, and a heart you cannot test.

You are afraid to hurt me to devastation, you fear that I will break and you won’t be able to fix that. You love me and that makes you weak, that makes your hurts weak, that makes you apologies weak. You love me and that makes you imprisoned.

I… on the contrary, I love you and that makes me free. I love you and that makes it easy to hurt you and fight with you and be angry with you. I love you and that gives me the freedom to break up with you and come back as many times. Freedom to cry and sob and laugh crazily in love. Freedom to push myself off the limits, off the edges for it’s your job to rescue me. Freedom to be blind and insane and feverishly high and low, for it’s your job to hold my hand and bring me home safe.

You can’t do that. Oh poor you! you can’t cry for me and you can’t smile in love, for you have to stay still in all my turbulence. You have to love me and yet not let me know. O My! You have to hurt me but not so hard that I break, you have cuddle me but not be so soft that I know you are falling for me, you have to teach me lessons that you know I won’t learn, you have to give me punishments after each of which I will wink at you and tell you that I love you! You hate to punish me… but you have to. You hate telling me that you love me, but you end up confessing. You have a whole lot to figure out, you have so much to take care of, you have so much to balance between, and I just don’t want to understand your cares, your rules, your limits… I like to believe you are limitless and I am stubborn in my beliefs. You want me to grow up and I don’t, you want me follow rules and I don’t, you want me to fear hurts and I don’t, you want me to be realistic but I have my myths dear! You try hard to break them and I smile back at you saying… so… that was your best shot?

The weak in me

It’s been days. Or say only a few days. I am too distracted.  I like to think I have my reasons to be so, which is not true. But anyway…

I needed to share this with someone, I thought. And I thought of you… as usual. But the thought went on… and it said… why do I need to share with you when I am weak? Why do we need shoulder to cry on or finger tips to shed tears? No, I don’t say everybody needs eyes to share tears, few of us are really strong, or at the very least portray well to be so. Nor do I say we don’t need faces to share smiles… few of us again… are very amicable. I am just going with the general trend… Or honestly speaking my trend.

When I am happy, when I am successful, when I am on the roof top, I think of you. I swear I do. But not so much. The thrill to show off… the rush of new plans… new dreams take over. I am light, I am fearless, I am adventurous,  I am open, I get caught in the wind… and I get taken away from me. I get taken away from you. When I am weak, when I am in a dark corner of the room, with head in knees, I am free of the winds and thrills and rushes… I am more me… I am more stagnant… I am more closed. I do not let it in… it being anything and everything… I cannot. And then you enter… through the closed doors… and you close the doors more after you… forceful and effortless… and I cannot stop you… I am helpless and weak… and in your arms…

I happened to read this little thing.

“With all my strength of personality, my goodness, my success or impression of these, there comes that little nasty thing… That bout of showcasing, that urge to be known that way, to be validated by others…

…My unadvertised weaknesses, my failures and their internal admission are my only saving grace, my only salvation… Only spots where I feel God has touched me.”

Pasted from <https://www.facebook.com/findkartikeysingh>

That right there is me. Taking you for granted for all the smiles and needing your shoulder for all tears…. That is so me. You are most mine… you are the nearest… when I am at my lowest self. You are so mine… in all the small big complaints I have from life. You are so mine… in those little jealousies. In the tears I shed sitting alone on stupid fails I earned… it is only you. In the feel of jealous… in the feel of weak… in the feel of guilt… in the feel of being hit by a bolt…. the feel of being wrong… the feel of being hurt… the feel of desperation… the feel of losing… in the feel of betrayal…in pains unbearable… I see you.

They say all that is good and pure and right is you. May be. But is that it? Are my weaknesses not a part of you? Are my troubles not a part of you… my grudges… my wrongs… are they outside you? Is a part of me… not you? How can it be a part then? How can you be the whole then? And how then that part could bring me nearer to you than all my good… my smiles?

O Dear! All the pure in me is you. I don’t deny. All the righteous honest paths I take are you. I don’t doubt the boundlessness of good that is you. All I want to be ensured for is that no part of me… however painful… how so ever impure… is outside you. No side of me… is on the side opposite to you.  Each of my smiles is you… but so is each tear. If each of right steps is you… then so are the wrong turns I took. If you are the love inside me… my hatred is equally a part of you. You are the giver maker and bearer of all the successes in path… oh you are… but you cannot be untouched by my failures too. You are the firmness in me… you are all the strength… may be… but sure the weak in me… is equally you.

Dance of crippled thoughts

Oh they dance! And they don’t let me think with any clarity.  They can’t stand. They can’t walk a foot on their own… But dance they do… wild in my head.

I try to think simple… And they come limping… as fast as they can… falling on each other… stringing into one another… hundreds of threads… making the world complex… ugly, limping dumb thoughts.

I want to walk straight… I want to not look around and feel fragile… I want to commit to my life… I want to live with an unfailing faith. His idol charms me to fold my fingers… to bend my head… to have the long lost faith. I stand still in a hope for some calm… some connection and a little of His voice. And all I hear is my heart wandering asking for creepy wishes, chances n’ choices. With surprises and miracles He only loses more of my faith in His being true. Feelings I felt and thoughts I thought only changed meanings as the time flew. And I was left juggling with life… not knowing what to hold or what to lose.

There are so many strings… so many threads… so many stories… which one to pick. There are a thousand of roads… which one will lead to you. So many chords to touch… so many words to say… so many meanings to draw… so many emotions to fake… so many creaking thoughts to dance with…

I erase them hard. I unwelcome them disgraceful and stern. I don’t think of them for days. I make them starve… make them run out of room to survive. I kill them to whole. And I sit back smiling with an empty mind. The world looks beautiful.  They are left behind. And all is good. I walk straight and I don’t look around. Lonely and silent and peaceful… here I stand looking into nothingness…

But I want to look back. Oh… I can’t stop willing to look back for one second. I miss them. The multithreaded complex cabalistic stories…  I am craving for them… Starving without them… I want them…so much. I want them each moment till they are not back limping and dancing in my head…  ugly, creaky, crippled thoughts!!

Beauty of a Small Life…

Feeling blue I sit by the river side… made numb by its huge mighty wave
Ambitions that I once thought were future I watch them all washed away
King size dreams of a little girl… to ride all waves… to win whole of the world
Little did she know… hard way she learned… world doesn’t work that way

Feeling blue I stroll by the roadside alone… in the deafening sound of rush
On the verge of dying a dream of success stands… and all I could do is push
They peep through the huge crowd… and I take my eyes away from them
I abandoned to shrill winters all that I hatched like my child in a warm hush

Feeling blue I walk to an old place… with flowers in bloom and grasses green
Where people are old and gray… Oh I walk to a simpler world… to an easier life
What no one knows in my world… what somehow resembles to my old good
Did I leave it all in search for future that I call my today, damned of me! O My!

The blue will be washed off… a naïve faith blooms… an innocent wish unfolds
Scared dreams walk through crowd, drowning ambitions emerge from waves
The little girl kindles inside me a new dream of calmness, of un-celebratedness
May I live in here for a little while… unsung but happy… small but beautiful…

P.S. I know its a disconnect but when did I ever care? So… Happy Birthday!