Can you hear that? My heart

Life is slow. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s still. Sometimes you look back and see so much of it has passed in a split second.  When you walk by the road, when you see the gulmohar leaves and yellow light peeking through them. On the traffic lights, or in the arms of three balcony walls, when it’s all so damn still, life passes by. Did you see it just passed by. Did you see the passing by light… did you hear the hush of speed. did you hear the bubbles of turbulence.

Did you hear the calm. did you hear the hum of stagnant. Can you hear that…?

Life skips a beat sometimes. Sometimes it collects an extra one. Steals a moment, selfishly. That moment… the ‘not destined for you’ one. It steals beauty where is finds. It steals love sometimes. Sometimes it gives it all away so generously. Sometimes giving is not generous. It’s selfish. It’s needed sometimes. Craved for. Like a heartbeat. My heartbeat. The only connection to the wild stretch of space.

The only hold… only grip of life. Loosening. Draining. Dizzy. Drowsy. Dampened. My life. My heart…

Life waits sometimes. sometimes it rushes off. It opens itself sometimes. It moves. It travels. A dull but constant journey. You can’t even see when it leaves you behind. like sands between the fingers… it runs off… off the fingers. Off the limits. and other times, it waits. For something. It closes itself to open some time. It holds itself hard and it waits. Keeps waiting. Still. Numb. With a thin wire like breathe.

It’s waiting. It’s still waiting there for you to open…

I try… I quit… I loop.

I am waiting for the 60th second to tick… I know that the doorbell won’t ring since the 59th second… In fact I know it from 58, 57, 56th seconds… But I still wait. Against all odds… all logics… all rationales… all thoughts and theories and rules I wait for something to end… Something to occur… Clock to tick… Tick a whole number before I give up… And then to tick a few more numbers… And then to tick a few more…

Why is it so natural to keep waiting…to keep lingering to an old habit… to keep living an old life… so easy to keep on going… and so difficult to stop. So difficult to stop looking at the ticking clock and lock the door… So difficult to stop trying to listen for the phone ringing from under the sheets and go to sleep… so difficult to stop yourself from checking the old mailbox hundredth time…  So difficult to stop hoping for miracles that would not be. There is no door bell, there is no phone ringing, no miracles what so ever. Oh but I am waiting.

I read in books about keep trying… keep playing one’s part…  about hanging in there. Is that not what I am doing? Is to keep looping back again and again and then again not persistence… is stopping not giving up? Stories I believe in talk of retrying… of not losing hope… of not giving up… but for how long? Forever? None answer that. I can do that – keep waiting. I am comfortable doing that. But is that the right thing to do? Was to keep waiting the preached sermon? Was it not?

What is better? Facing it in face and keep facing till you break and wretch and mess it up… and continue facing post that too… or leave it before it sores?  What is better? Ditching the possibility of it’s being right some day… leaving it for the fear of failure or fighting for it with whole of your heart? Huh! Sounds different… doesn’t it? Change the tone… change the choice of words and it just flips the meaning! Did they know? Those who preached  persistence and those who preached letting go… did they know? Or they just knew that nobody else knows too?

Have you ever felt the pressure of blood released through your heart at the very second you decided to let go? The suddenness of release? And ever, have you felt the pressure of blood running in your veins after the very last wait when you decided to try once more? The consistency of determination!

I have felt the two. Connected with none. Kept doing both… Is there a third way? Is there a way to not try desperately and yet not give up? Is there a way to wait but not be miserable? Is there a way to give up and not be a quitter?

You cannot give up on something that you believe in… stop believing… that is quitting. You can not stop being desperate till you stop looking at the clock… to stop looking at the clock… you have to kill the wait that makes you alive. You can not let go of a dream that you know deep in your heart you deserve… you stop only when kill the faith. Kill the faith and there is no you any more.

I try, I wait, I fail, I cry, I quit… and… I loop back… with a new wait or the same old one. Because I am still living.