All my fears…

(smallest and most useless of all my writings… really not for you to read)

 

All my fears, Writing them on thin papers.

Guilt and mistakes and confessions.

Throwing them in water so the ink melts.

Tearing them so small that no two letters end up on the same piece.

Paranoia.

Fear to be seen.

Or may be too much courage.

For today I don’t have the courage to write to tear and melt and throw away.

I don’t have courage to talk to myself.

And I have no courage to think to myself.

They look at me from inside.

All my fears.

Let’s play a game…

Let’s play this game… Oh let’s play this game too…

 

You decide the rules, you just say it and I’ll play. For I once promised I’ll play along… against you and yet by your side and for that’s all I wanna do. For you are all the smiles and you are all the wins… for you are all the tears and all the defeats too. For it’s just you and me. Let’s play this game together.

 

Let’s have you play foul left n’ right n’ center and I’ll still play. Let’s play it your way… Let’s have you winning all the time… and I’ll still play. Let’s have you defeat me times and again… oh let’s have you defeat me without a match and I’ll still play. Let me surrender… times and again… and yet again I’ll play.

 

I’ll play along. I’ll play how you like. You want me to stand by your side… I’ll do. You want me to cheer you winning over me.. I’ll do. You want me to be you… ah I will. You want there be no two sides and still your side to win… I’ll make that happen. Crazy wishes aren’t they… for you I’ll make them true.

 

Come… let’s play this game too…

One of Those Days…

For they never stop being.

No matter how much you promise yourself

Never to write that title again.

No matter how far you run away.

 

For they are days beyond you

And you can’t plan them you can only watch

You can love or hate them.

You can cry too only they won’t listen.

 

For they weren’t there for you

They were just there alongside and they will be

Once in a while to fade back again

In dejavus without your permission.

Or no melancholy…

I walk lost… kicking no dust,

I avoid it unknowingly and careful

They deserve to not get kicked… as if

 

I walk on the footpath…  alone

Holding care, holding knowing-ness

Holding breath sometimes… unknowingly

 

Sometimes I hold tears… in eyes

Not to hide sadness, but waiting on smile

To stretch, to push eyes close, to scatter a few drops

 

In the dead of night… I wake up

I fix water tapping meaninglessly,

I fix a dirty little doormat by the door… carefully

 

I see the peach moist walls

They are not so disgusting after all,

The wooden swing in my balcony, I stand by it, sometimes

 

Hold a feeling of being me

Forgotten… long lost me, just seen

In a huge bucket of lost and founds… as if

 

The city growing on me…

I’ve learnt to laugh the thought off

It doesn’t grow, I’ve known this city for a while now

 

With things out of place

I am at peace, easy, unconcerned

The moist rejection, the anguish feels gone blur

 

Holding a thin smile in eyes

I walk alone, away from the cosmos

Connected yet… to me… more than ever before.

Melancholy

I walk, kick the empty can,

Crumpled and broken

Lying harmless on the footpath

 

I kick in the muddy road

Lazy lofty heavy lying dumb

Leaves a little stain on my boot

 

Kick the small dirty foot mat

In front of my door

Kick every time, without a look

 

Peach moist walls of my room

Continuous showers

The wooden swing in balcony

 

I kick the mess of wires

Under my office desk

I kick hard the connections

 

I think of you sometimes

Times when I felt for once

The city was growing on me

 

I kick away things as they stand

Those once made sense

And then ceased to, forever

 

I stand at door coming back

I think of you if at all

On the other side of the door

 

The keys slip through my fingers

I ring the doorbell

For no one to hear

 

Bend down to pick up the keys

I kick away the keys

Waiting to be picked up

 

I enter the empty house

With moist smell of rejection

Kicking me hard on forehead.

My satchel of memories

Long long time since… Since what? Since I missed you? Since I wrote something like this? Since I remained up all night? Or since I got time to look up from my desk to find no you?

Since I walked in rain? Since I searched the bushes for a firefly? Since I unfolded my fingers for winds to play with? Since I stopped listening to the murmur of the dry leaves beneath my foot?

Since I went to temple and had something to ask for? Or since I stopped knowing to have got a wish? Since the fingers folded stopped making sense to me? Since there has been no you?

Since I noticed the hot moist white vapours in my coffee cup? Since last I had a dream to cherish? Since last I heard what you did not say? Since last I whispered.. me too!

An obsession?

(…a dedication to The Zahir)

An obsession… an Emptiness still…
And a craving to fill up the emptiness
With something you bet you know…
But just you don’t know enough

A silent wish for something to be over…
A cry for something to reach
But what really you’ll say in prayers…
If at all someone’s to hear…

Would you be ready to put up a fight…
For the unknown that might not be
Are you ready lose and be bruised…
To again start looking for that ain’t to see

Would you not be tired running for it…
With no starts no paths no wins…
Is life too long to live with an unknown?
Will all lusts fade out in mins?

My obsession… the only one that I know
My only ultimate… my compulsion…
Will all be a mere myth of tiny moments?
And a whole life… just an impulsion?